A Letter to the Devoted Fans
by P.L.S
Summary: Harry age 23 has a few things to say to you writers, especially to you who write Snape/Harry and about the post Hogwarts years...
1. And It Starts With A Letter

Title: A Letter to the Devoted Fans

Author: P.L.S

Rating: G or PG (for very mild language)

E-mail: ptwentyfour@yahoo.com

Note: I don't really feel like this, but the idea possessed me- or maybe that was Harry's spirit. . .  Here's what Harry (age twenty-five) has to say to us weirdoes who write about him. 

Disclaimer: (Just in case you are an idiot) I don't own anything much and I'm not making money by writing this. . . DON'T SUE!!! 

Archive: It's  already on SnapexHarry and I think I'll put it on Yaoi Hotel but if you want to put it on some other site go ahead, if you want to steal it for you site or school work, feel free.

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Dear deluded and insane fan fiction writers,

I, Harry Potter, have been reading your work and have decided that once and for all I need to clear some of your silly ideas up. About Severus Snape and my potential to pursue him romantically, to be specific.  

 Make no mistake, he is a greasy git.

There is nothing I would love to tell you more than his cold exterior is just a façade and that he really is a loveable guy underneath. He isn't he is a very callous and arrogant man who "knows" the rest of the world's population is made of fools, idiots, dummies, and retarded children. Severus Salaazar Snape is what he is, a Slytherin, born and bred. 

I have seen all of the stories, heard all of the cliché rumors, and listened to the rest of the tripe you fools call "Fan Fictions" and "Slash". It is sickening how badly you all screw out lives up, especially when it comes to Snape and I and our very odd relationship. I, Harry Potter, want to clarify quite a few of the misconceptions you writers have developed in regards to Severus Snape and I and our romantic involvement.

First off, his hair is not really sleek and like water or whatever else you ingrates think it might be. His hair is greasy as a car axel! I'm not saying he's dirty or doesn't wash as much as he should. It is the by-product of a potion gone wrong in his fourth year. His friend thought she had a really great new hair potion, blackmailed Snape into testing it and it backfired. The effects didn't have a cure and so he was stuck with horribly greasy hair. This lead him to become a potions master to find a cure for it but still no cure can be found. Not that I care. I avoid the topic with him.

He is not merely jaded, though he is that. He is delusional and hateful and spiteful. He doesn't terrify his students to prepare them for life or to make a good cover for his spying.  He is a malicious teacher who despises Gryffindors and me especially. He tortures students for his own perverse pleasure, why I haven't a clue…yet. 

On another point, I will never become a teacher. I loathe children, hate school work and cannot stand teaching. Even if it was flying and Quidditich, there are rules, paperwork, and a myriad of other little things I would go insane doing. I never have set much store by the rules as Severus reminds me time after time. 

I really don't have a steady job now that Voldemort is gone. I never have been able to put up with idiots telling me what to do. I don't really have any major talents like Severus. Quidditich doesn't pay the bills now. The whole industry collapsed under poor management otherwise known as the Malfoy family, and now Ron, Charlie, Seamus and other obsessive fanatics are resurrecting the sport. If it weren't for that I'd be a professional player, but now I play for fun when Ron tells me I need to show up. Right now I pay the bills with my pathetic writing in the Daily Prophet and product testing for the Nimbus Company. Severus laughs at me all the time for that last job. I end up with broken bones and punctured lungs all the time.

Next on the long list of things I need to address is your idea that Snape even likes me enough to work with me. I never had a crush on the jerk, he never fancied me. Our relationship evolved with mutual hate and irritation.  I still cringe over how that happened, but it did and I'd rather not discuss it in such a public forum. But we never, I repeat, never worked in the same room together much less on the battlefield. Sure I trust him, trust him to make my life hell every chance he can get. Only knowing how badly Draco needs the git alive stops me from killing him half the bloody time. Severus, for all the ill his very presence causes, is the only reason Draco isn't sporting a Dark Mark and in Azkaban right at this moment. And, by the way, I and the Snapdragon are on semi-friendly terms and have been since my nineteenth birthday and our getting plastered in a Muggle bar.

Now that is something I would like to congratulate you  dunces on. Draco and I are drinking buddies and while our bar of choice is the Three Broomsticks, Rosmerta tosses us out when we start to have more than a Butterbeer or two. We now have to go to Muggle bars to get properly drunk.. Then we might hex each other or start a barroom brawl and get tossed in the local detention center until we are sober and Severus or Ron comes and puts up bail money from the joint account Draco and I started to pay for our wild nights. The jail in Dublin has a top notch cell just for us two, the Irish Police really know how to take care of their two best customers. If you ever get picked up there just mention you are a friend of the Lion and the Dragon and you make get to stay the night in that first-rate cell. By the way, the jailor is a witch who basically loves us both to bits, may the Lord help her.

Presently I must take my leave. Severus, the great bastard he is, has called for some sort of reunion right now between the staff of my Alma Mater and me, prodigal son of Hogwarts . I have an odd feeling Albus and Hermione are behind it, and that this is just another time that the Golden Boy of Gryffindor Tower will be dragged to Hogwarts as his well meaning friends fuss over him and beg him to take the cursed job of Defense Against the Dark Arts. I hope they will soon have enough brain cells to stop and let me alone about it. I am just fine and have no desire to work with children and Severus Snape.

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

Daily Prophet reporter, Nimbus Company Class A Flyer, and Seeker for the Appleby Arrows


	2. The Plunge Into The Unknown

Title: A Letter to the Devoted Fans- part two  
  
Author: P.L.S  
  
Rating: G or PG (for very mild language)  
  
E-mail: ptwentyfour@yahoo.com  
  
Note: Harry possessed me again. . . H-h-help m-me. . .  
  
Disclaimer: (Just in case you are an idiot) I don't own anything much and I'm not making money by writing this. . . DON'T SUE!!!  
  
Archive: Tell me if you want it- It's going on ff.net and such, but if you really are insane enough to want to put it in other spots go ahead.  
  
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Dear deluded and insane fan fiction writers,  
  
I have been informed that my little letter to you has been received and you readers of said letter have found it amusing and very refreshing. A Miss Renee said that she found my little escapades with Draco amusing. May I ask a question? Did it ever occur to you that getting drunk is not funny? Just chat with Hermione, she'll be glad to rattle off all the dangers of my chosen amusement. A Miss Slone said that I should ask my godfather, Severus or Draco to write a letter to their fans on the fictions that are everywhere online. Silly Muggle, I will not forfeit my life to show those three the atrocities I have seen. I dare say Draco would love the attention, but he would no doubt cringe and hex the authors at the mere suggestion at of some of the horrific relationships you writers place him in.  
  
Some of those are hilarious though, and maybe good blackmail material. I found one that had Draco pining over Albus Dumbledore! Now that one, while sickening, is being printed out on my printer right now and going in my files. Now here are the parings that I will use against Draco if he dares to use those photos he bought from the Creevy's in our seventh year: Draco and Hagrid, Draco and Percy Weasley, Draco and Remus Lupin, Draco and Sirius Black, Draco and Lucius Malfoy, and Draco and any obscure yet revolting person. No doubt my Slytherin side is taking more of an active role now that I have grown up. Maybe I will suggest to Malfoy that there are a few 'interesting' websites to check out. . . just for laughs.  
  
Of course you should know that Severus knows about you insane fools. He told me I shouldn't bother trying to teach you children or trying to correct your flawed minds, however never really thought I could do those tasks. I simply think that while some of the things that are being written are ghastly, they are also entertaining when one has nothing else to occupy one's time. I guess I do like the attention, don't tell Severus that!  
  
I guess I enjoy ranting to you readers of my letters, and surprisingly you didn't take offence with my last letter. Your patience should be rewarded. What part of my life do you want to know about? I will answer your letters and you I hope will answer my questions. I fear that this may get addictive.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Harry Potter  
  
Daily Prophet reporter, Nimbus Company Class A Flyer, and Seeker for the Appleby Arrows 


	3. And The Drug Starts to Take Hold

Title: A Letter to the Devoted Fans- part three

Rating: G or PG (for very mild language)

E-mail: ptwentyfour@yahoo.com

Note: You know Harry, you could just ask to use my body. . .

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Dear deluded and insane fan fiction writers,

I was told you are rather curious about my sex life. Do you people have no shame? I suppose I knew I'd have to answer this sooner or later, but really! I feel that honesty is the only way to go with this topic. Well, I am sort of sexually active. I don't go around sleeping with anyone! I have no major commitments and I don't plan on getting married. I've experimented with a few people and the war didn't do anything to stop me from losing my virginity. As for Ginny, Hermione, and Cho, no way in heck! Ginny is like a little sister to me, Hermione is my best friend, and Cho and I really never got along that well. Sure I had a crush on her but nothing came of it and I thank God! She could be really pushy and mean when she wanted to be, not to mention she is more of a know-it-all than Hermione. I'd rather kiss Severus! No wait I did that already. . . It was a dare, by the way Draco is very sadistic. I have no definite sexual preference, but I do not like to mix pain and pleasure, thank you very much. 

I was  asked on another forum if I was ever the house team captain. Yes, I was the captain for a time. I let Ron help me though. I'm really just a seeker, I couldn't captain the team if it weren't for Ron's help. He really knows his Quidditich and he was the real reason we won the cup that year. If I had tried to captain on my own we would have lost for sure! Soon after we all agreed that Ron, while not much of a player was going to be the team manager and captain. I am glad that he is still following his passion and coaching. He coaches the Appleby Arrows, England National Team's chasers, and of course, the Chudley Cannons. There aren't a whole lot of coaches as talented as he is and I'm lucky to still have the opportunity to play under his watch. Ron loves the game more than Woods and knows more about it than almost anyone I've met. I'm sure you all know that though.

I really do think this is a very therapeutic activity. I do like to write, but I tend to forget that. With working for the Prophet I don't get a chance to just relax. I have to rush and get the scoop before everyone else, listen to that arrogant editor, Skeeter, and always keep in the right circles to get the latest. Being a reporter is over glorified and a horrid way to spend time. I have to listen to arrogant imbeciles talk about how important they are, and then I have the God awful chore of picking through the drivel and finding the truth in the words the words they speak. I have no clue what possessed me to take this job. Oh wait, I do. It was Severus' fault! I guess I should tell you that story.

I was sitting on the steps outside of the main entrance a couple weeks after the Last Battle. It was July, and Severus was just coming in after finding some things he needed in the Forest. He was rather dirty, his robes were torn in a few spots, and he wasn't in a great mood and he decided to take it out on me.

"Why are you here Potter? Don't you have a job or something?" 

"I don't. I was just sitting here Snape. What happened? You run into Aragog or something?" I teased, proving why I was put into Gryffindor. This really made Snape angry.

"Yes. I did." He said testily. He snorted, "So the famous savior of the wizarding world is jobless. How odd. Come with me Potter." He ordered, I really haven't a clue why I listened but I did. I followed him to his private lab and surprisingly he was rather polite. He offered me a place to sit and as he worked on his latest concoction, asked me a few questions and chatted like a human being!

"So, other than chasing a small golden ball what hobbies do you have?" he asked.

"Well, I never really was able to have a hobby. Between the Dursleys, school, Quidditich, and all the catastrophic events I never had the time or energy." I responded with a shrug. He looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Well, if your essays are any indication you have no future in potions, but you might in writing." He said. I have never gotten over the way he can manage to turn a complement into a criticism. "And as I understand it you are rather well connected. Draco has complained a fair amount about all of the officials you are on first name basis with. He says it is impossible for you to go to a good restaurant with out you hearing all the complaints from the Minister's assistants and the Head's of all the departments about him."

"And that means what?" I asked knowing full well what he was insinuating.

"It means the Prophet would be lucky to have a reporter like you. It also means you could do something worth while and do real reporting, none of that tabloid crap that they wallow in now." Said Severus, he had ditched the formalities quite rapidly and to tell the truth it was very refreshing. I thought it over he had made a few very good points, I was letting my optimism get in the way that day. I didn't even think about all the ill the media had done to me starting in my fourth year. I agreed to meeting with his old friends, and they tricked me into an internship which turned into a full time job with a magically binding contract. As you can see it is Severus' fault I'm a reporter.

Thank you for listening, er, reading. I look forward to more questions. I need to give this poor Muggle her body back now or she may try to return the favor and take over my body soon. I should thank her for being so accommodating. She has been helpful, if a bit too resistant and very curious.

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

Daily Prophet reporter, Nimbus Company Class A Flyer, and Seeker for the Appleby Arrows


End file.
